How to Be a Jackass

How to Be a Jackass. There are two ways to approach being a jackass. The first is through rude and idiotic behavior, the second is through mimicry of the infamous MTV show. Since both approaches relate seamlessly, it is a small task to examine them in conjunction. The one thing you must have before you begin your quest is commitment. Without commitment you will simply be a dolt and not a true jackass.

Plan an idiotic stunt involving a man's nipples/genitalia. It should be something that causes pain, and include your most simple-minded friends and a video camera.

Execute the stunt. Make sure that friends are laughing hysterically at another's excruciating pain.

Repeat the previous steps as often as possible, changing the variables to include other forms of public humiliation and the elderly.

Play practical jokes on your parents. Film these practical jokes, doing your best to make your parents cry.

Say misogynistic racist comments to those most likely to be offended. Smile gamely and laugh while so doing.

Encourage children to curse at their elders and other children. Teach them particularly heinous words and phrases even a sailor would blanch at.

Arrive drunk to every important occasion--weddings, funerals and bar/bat mitzvahs. Loudly discuss the last time you got laid and dance inappropriately, gyrating and humping anything that moves.


You can never overdo it as a jackass. Your goal is to be as crass and reckless as possible. It is always a good idea to mimic things you have already seen on reality TV. You can probably do it better.

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