How to Talk Like a Caveman

By Contributor

If there's one thing the Geico caveman commercials have taught us, it's that cavemen would really have a tough time in modern-day society. Luckily, there aren't any around--but that shouldn't stop you from learning how to talk like one.

Throw conventional grammar out the cave window. Refer to yourself in third person, use articles and pronouns sparingly and get rid of contractions altogether. Cavemen know how to keep things simple, because, well--they don't have any other choice.

Invent nonsensical grunting words like "og," "oog," "groog" and other variations that contain the letter "G."

Use a deep tone of voice when you speak to establish dominance. A caveman with a quiet, falsetto voice is likely to be the last one handed the slab of meat around the fire.

Live in the present. Cavemen only refer to people, things and situations in the present tense. For example, instead of "I learned to hunt as a small child," why not try: "Grog learn to hunt when Grog little boy."

Talk about things that a caveman might do during the average run of a day, like club an animal for dinner, drag a woman back to his cave or fashion himself a nice sabre-toothed necklace.

Tip

Don't be afraid to raise your voice. Cavemen are expected to be savage. No one will think you're being rude if you yell. If nobody understands you, draw simple diagrams on the cave walls. You might want to ask yourself why you want to talk like a caveman. If it's not Halloween and you're not in the next Geico commercial, there could be some issues you need to work out.